ESPN's Bottom Line - Version 2.0

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Big Dance (original, unedited version)


Ah, March Madness. A three-week stretch when heart rates elevate, GPA’s drop and benchwarmers slay air guitar solos after timely three-point shots. No, seriously. Those scrubs can rock a bass with the best of them.

You’ll hear legendary broadcaster Dick Vitale yelling, in his trademark voice, about “mid-majors” and “diaper dandies.” You’ll see a very short man, claiming to be a “bracketologist,” predicting which teams get bids to the tournament. 

But what is all this “hoopla” about?

Monday, March 31, 2014

The Extra Point (original, unedited version)


The likelihood that the National Football League’s Point After Touchdown try, known as the PAT or the extra point, will be successful is akin to the likelihood that Taylor Swift will awkwardly dance at an award show. If you like music, celebrities, or crashing celebrity award shows and claiming you’re a famous director, you’ll know that this is a pretty high probability.


Monday, February 3, 2014

Post Super Bowl Sports to Watch

          So the Super Bowl is over, and I’m sure you’re asking, why even watch sports anymore? THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO AMERICA? A 43-8 blowout? Sure, the Manning Face is a nice gag once in a while, but it should never be the main attraction. Roger Goodell should have known better.  
  
             I’m here to tell you not to lose hope. Even if you don’t care about the chaos that is this year’s college basketball, the stacked NBA western conference, the (now apparently only outdoors) NHL, some of the most fascinating Premier League and La Liga title races in a decade, or the Winter Olympics, I’m here to tell you there’s hope. Here’s what you should be watching now that the NFL is done.

PROFESSIONAL BOWLING

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Super Bowl Sunday Stereotypes

So I've already talked about why the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday needs to be a National Holiday.  Unfortunately though, the NFL, the President, Congress, and the petite, balding man with a neck beard named Franklin who stole my roommates' detergent (heard he's got some sway) completely disregarded my argument.  Or maybe they just glossed over my piece and didn't understand the main point.  Or perhaps they are not well versed in comprehension of the written word (definitely Franklin's problem).  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, despite my best efforts, the Monday after the Super Bowl is still a workday.

However, that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the festivities of Super Bowl Sunday.  Well, unless these people ruin the party.  You all know who I'm talking about.  Just your standard, run-of-the-mill hooligans.  The gang, if you will.  Some are entertaining.  Some will bring Entenmann's.  And some are breaking and entering.  But overall, you wouldn't have it any other way.

10 People You Will See at Your Super Bowl Party

Monday, December 9, 2013

Curing the Super Bowl Hangover


     If I painted a picture of a living room filled with fans sporting oversized jerseys, consuming chips and salsa, wings, guacamole, and of course Budweiser, what day of the year would most Americans immediately think of?  No, I’m not talking about July 4th.  I didn’t mention fireworks.  I’m talking about the Super Bowl.  With a 48.1 Nielsen rating, a widely used system that measures audience size, the 2013 Super Bowl was the most watched television spectacle in American history.  Additionally, Americans chow down on 1,083,333 Football Fields worth of wings, while also consuming 325 million gallons of beer on this joyous day, according to a study done by the Huffington Post.  In fact, the Miami Herald reports that Super Bowl Sunday is second only to Thanksgiving as the largest food consumption day of the year in the United States.